Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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