after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
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got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
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Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season