Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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