just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
