I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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