Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
