Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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