I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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