he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid