I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I just want nice things and good sex
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
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