Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
