Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
