you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
