my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
