I wish my penis had an off switch
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
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my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
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WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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