lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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