I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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