HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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