I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
