I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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