my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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