Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
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