If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Terrible idea I love it
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
