Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
