Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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