Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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