I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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