Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
