now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
