If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
