The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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