You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
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I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
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So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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