Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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