I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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