If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
