i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
