White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
