If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
