Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
