Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
