You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
