Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
