the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
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If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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