i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
