I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.