hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.