Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
