Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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