I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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