"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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