He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I think I sprained my soul last night
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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