And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
