Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Randomize
