Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Randomize
