I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I think people are normalizing furries
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
