We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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