I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
