I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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