im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
